I feel/fell so
by Rebel Diosa
Summary: A fanfic to Box Car Racer's I feel so. About Anakin's fall. Takes place after Shmi dies.


Disclaimer: Yeah I know I don't own the character's or the Box Car Racer song (although I wish I did). I'm just using them to create my own story. I don't mind peepz using it though (just as long as they give me props) cuz I f I see my story somewhere online and it say somebody else wrote it, I will take ur ass to Chinatown. Got it? Good. Now read.  
  
Picturing the door flying open in my mind it did the same incident happened before my eyes. A loud crash erupted, signaling my entrance. The wind from outside came in and pulled at my tan robes. My head snapped back in fury and shut the door, disarming the gust from striking me again. An evil smile crossed my face as I just conquered, a loathed enemy, *but it's just a door* I thought to myself. As if kicking my stupidity and arrogance in the gut a cloud of sand that covered the floor throughout the house was blown mysteriously from beneath me into my rage-filled eyes that were more like blue flames than oceans. Tears streamed down my face. Knowing either if it was from the stinging form the particles that blinded me for a few seconds or the emptiness I felt in my heart and soul it didn't matter. All that I could see, all I could feel was black. Cold and dark without any hope or escape, just confining me in its silent torture for eternity. It seemed all life drained out of my once stalwart form and crumpled up into a ball on the sandy base. It seemed that every sob that shook my weakened body exhausted more from me than I could give. A pain I had never felt before took over my body. It was fear. Fear of myself, what I would become without her. I was nothing. Rendered powerless by my own ignorance and cold-hearted ways.  
  
Sometimes I wish I was brave I wish I was stronger I wish I could feel no pain  
  
Dreaming of the time I spent with her, when I was little brought some peace and comfort to the hurt that had engulfed my state-of-being. I pictured her smiling at me, feeling confident in her only son, no matter how terribly he knew he would fail. Not even his own mother could have predicted the menace he would become. If I had just tried to stop the anger, the fear, the hate that consumed me, this darkness would have never been a part of me. I did this to her, I did this to myself. Not only did I corrupt myself I might have corrupted the entire galaxy.  
  
I wish I was young I wish I would try  
  
Deciding to attempt to not impair anymore beings I got up from the position I was in. I wiped the tears from my face and washed my mental being from the filth I had covered it with. I walked into a room and there she was, staring at me with her worry-filled eyes entrancing my soul. So radiant and peaceful she looked. How docile her manner was. Never would she kill like I had.  
  
I wish I was honest I wish I was you not I  
  
" What's the matter Ani?" Were the soothing words that came from her lips. A cold pit filled my body yet again. How could I ever tell her what had happened? She would never understand, could never forgive me, and if she couldn't do those things how could she ever be a part of my life and love me the way I love her? I looked away from her penetrating stare towards some bright light that seemed to blind me. Tears once again threatened to spill but before they could I pounded my fist against them, stopping the pain and releasing the anger that trapped inside.  
  
'Cause I feel so mad I feel so angry I feel so callous So lost, confused, just mad I feel so cheap So used, unfaithful Let's start over Let's start over  
  
"I killed them all. I killed them like animals. That's what they were. I killed children and women, slaughtered them until none of them were left and when I couldn't kill any more I did. I did it because they killed her. One day I will be a powerful Jedi, you'll see. So powerful, I'll even be able to stop people from dying."  
  
Sometimes I wish I was smart I wish I made cures for How people are I wish I had power  
  
I could tell she was shocked, but no anger nor fear replaced the worry I found in her brandy-brown eyes. Instead pain and sadness filled them Her gentle hand rested on one of my shoulder, pushing the anger away. I wish I could sweep her up into my arms and take her back to her planet, but not as the Jedi I was, or the Senator that she was, but as two people in love that could be quarantined from the hate, pain, anger, grief and death that would come to us if we stayed.  
  
I wish I could leave I wish I could change the world For you and me  
  
That moment I wanted to undo all that had been done. I wanted o change my past so that my future would be different. So that I could spend forever with her. I wanted that so bad but I knew I could never have that pleasure. I was destined to be damned, and she was destined so suffer and lose everything she would love, honor and respect. I have been killing her slowly and I knew one day I would kill her along with myself-Anakin Skywalker. I had invaded her life like some ruthless creature and from that moment on, to every human being I would come in contact with I would be an invader, taking what's not mine and ruining myself the entire time. 'Cause I feel so mad I feel so angry I feel so callous So lost, confused, just mad I feel so cheap So used, unfaithful Let's start over Let's start over  
  
A/N: In case u didn't know this took place right after Ani had found his mother in Ep II. I tried to get the quotes as close to the right ones as possible but I have a really crappy memory so forgive me. I have other stories for u guys to read. They're called Catching Up and Heirs to a Legacy. Another songfic I wrote is Forever. So r&r. Also any more songs remind u of SW events? Please write them in ur review. I need some for the original trilogy so those are welcome. Lot's more to come for one's that take place during Ep III and the EU. Please read my other two stories and review. If they appear I have a great songfic featuring Han and Leia. 


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